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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838898">In Another Life</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/primordialsoup/pseuds/primordialsoup'>primordialsoup</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>VoG Boys Week 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Destiny (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Grief for something you never had, Hope for something you cannot have, Love Letters, M/M, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:55:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>760</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838898</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/primordialsoup/pseuds/primordialsoup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear 'I don't know what to call you', </p>
<p>I miss you.</p>
<p>For VoG Week 2020.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kabr/Pahanin/Praedyth (Destiny)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>VoG Boys Week 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709875</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Works about the Vault of Glass Fireteam</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In Another Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>And so it ends.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone who tooke the time to read, kudo or leave a comment! I swear I read everything and I'm just too choked up to answer just yet &lt;3</p>
<p>Enjoy the little end of the VoG week.</p>
<p>Pahanin, Praedyth and Kabr will becoming back with me later, but for now...here we go.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>'I don't know what to call you'</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>, </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I miss you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I guess that's where it all starts. How can you miss people you've never met? Never held? Never kissed? Never got to love like a date to the pastry shop around the corner, or stranded on the great deltas, chasing after Fallen with nobody else to rely on. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Only ever like a phenomenon, deep rooted like the fear an animal has of an earthquake, the wonder humanity has of the stars. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I was afraid of it. Couldn't wrap my head around it. Still can't wrap my head around it. It's so foreign and invasive and soul-wrenching. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>So for the longest time, I'd really hoped you weren't real. That maybe I was lonely, or craving some company or some excitement or…anything, really. That you were only a hazy but vivid dream that I kept seeing out of the corner of my eye because I was paranoid, or worse, still dreaming. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But it never went away, the feeling, down to the center of my being. There's something missing. And it's you. Both of you. Because of course I never make it easier for myself, of course you are two people. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I tried to fill that gaping, bleeding hole for the longest time and I couldn't. In every way I could think of, I tried filling it up. I dated people, multiple people, sometimes at once. I fucked, I got fucked, some even tried to make love to me because what they felt was more real than my entire existence. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I drank and I got drugged up and coming down from the highs was always the worst part. Because I could always seem to find you, or some parts of you, in the recesses of my mind.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Or maybe there's nothing of you left in me and I made it all up. When I woke up the feeling of loss was always sharper. Cracked and broken to even sharper and finer edges every time that I can cut myself down on. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I went on missions nobody would take. Usually alone, constantly thinking in the back of my head, </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>'This is the time. I'm gonna die and it will be for good and I will be free. Reunited or just dead and gone to sleep, it matters little.' </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>But I always came back, and I curse myself for it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bar wishing on bleached bones and dead voices, I tried everything. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I think I even managed to almost fall in love again, once. There's no forgiving myself for that one. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I hurt people trying. And I hate myself for it. And I regret it like nothing else in this life. More than forgetting you, losing you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>… </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sorry. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That's not true. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Not being there with you is my biggest regret. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get to you. The desperation eats me alive, even as the love keeps my fire burning. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I'm so tired. Like a bow string worn thin and brittle with use and pulled taut until just before snapping. And yet, I want to keep going. To keep on searching because living without you isn't really a life at all. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I want to hold you in my arms, wrap myself around you like the night sky around the stars, like the sea embraces everything in it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Not quantity, not even quality. I don't think my feelings and hopes are quantifiable. Not by anything as meaningless as human words and concepts. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And while I write this to you, I still don't know what to say. I don't even know where I'm going with this. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I guess, I wanted to say 'I love you' too, not just 'I miss you'. I still love you. And I will still love you, even if I don't know the shape of your faces or the sounds of your voices or the feel of your hands in mine. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Until I die. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Until I die and whatever makes me Pahanin disappears, I will love you and cherish you and miss you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope that we meet again. I hope I get to know you again. I hope I get to love you again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope that we get to have that. In another life, in another place, in another time. I hope I find you. I hope I will still be Pahanin enough to love you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Because hope is all I have left.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With all my heart,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Pahanin</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As always, thank you Gil, so damned much for organising this little event, giving me an excuse to shout about these boys &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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